


Kaleidoscope

by parasitic



Series: Between Self-Loathing and the Loneliness| [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Crying, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Jealousy, Other, Post-Trespasser, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:16:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5161814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parasitic/pseuds/parasitic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can help, I can make you forget…The tears..because of him..hurt..feel like drowning” Cole said in a quiet voice as he crouched next to Katarina.<br/>Another anxiety attack had taken ahold of her as she now lay sprawled on the floor in a fetal position. A month had passed since she had last seen her vhenan, he had left her behind again even when she had suggested she go with him. Whatever plans he had, she understood, but all she wanted was to be with him.<br/>She had been having regular anxiety attacks after the first night back in Skyhold.<br/>“Pain..slowly eating at the core..holding on…alone in the darkness..take me.” Cole whispered almost inaudibly.<br/>“Do it, Cole.” She whispered through sharp inhales. “Help me forget.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaleidoscope

 

 

 

 

“I can help, I can make you forget…The tears..because of him..hurt..feel like drowning” Cole said in a quiet voice as he crouched next to Katarina.  
Another anxiety attack had taken ahold of her as she now lay sprawled on the floor in a fetal position. A month had passed since she had last seen her vhenan, he had left her behind again even when she had suggested she go with him. Whatever plans he had, she understood, but all she wanted was to be with him.  
She had been having regular anxiety attacks after the first night back in Skyhold.  
“Pain..slowly eating at the core..holding on…alone in the darkness..take me.” Cole whispered almost inaudibly. 

“Do it, Cole.” She whispered through sharp inhales. “Help me forget.”

 

 

* * *

 

Katarina woke up as she felt a slight breeze on her neck, she huddled closer to the covers as she opened her eyes slowly.  
“Awake..cold air…what to do today?..breakfast…bug dorian..”  
She stood up and looked down by her bed to see Cole sitting there, legs crossed.  
“What are you doing there Cole? Did you want to sleep?” She said as she pulled the covers to invite him on her bed.  
Cole looked down a bit and then stood up. “Should go…busy day.”  
“No, come on.”  
Cole reluctantly sat on the side of the bed as she stood up and went to grab some more furs to cover him.  
“Why were you sitting there anyway?” She asked as she draped a couple of furs over his shoulders. She grabbed his big, goofy hat from the top and pulled it off his head. “Did you have something to tell me?”  
“Confused..are you okay?”  
“Who me? Yes, I am fine Cole. How are you?” She asked as she sat next to him on the edge of the bed.  
Cole stood up suddenly as he looked back at her apologetically, “I must go.”

A few minutes later Katarina descended the long stairway from her bedroom to the main hall. She headed towards the familiar door which led to Dorian.   
“Are you okay kid?” Varric asked from behind her. She turned around and noticed his concern.  
“Yeah..why wouldn’t I be?”  
“I worry for you.” Varric said as she looked at him puzzled. “I’m glad you’re feeling up to it today. I hope you have a good day today.”  
“Thank you? I hope you do too.”  
Katarina opened the wooden door that led toward the rotunda with the washed out white walls as she felt the feeling that something was missing in this now empty room. She took in another quick glance around as she headed up towards the Tevinter mage.  
“Hey, Dorian!” She exclaimed as Dorian was rubbing his chin reading the titles of the books from the bookcase in front of him.  
“How are you today?” Dorian asked not lifting his gaze from the bookshelf.  
“I’m good, and you? What are we doing today?”  
“What did you want to do, my dear?” He asked softly as he finally looked over at her with a small smile.  
“Surprise me.”

* * *

 

  
Half an hour later, Dorian, Bull, Sera and Katarina were out of Skyhold walking towards the nearby river. They had decided on walking there instead of riding on their mounts.  
Bull and Sera had been acting odd since they first met with them. Sera, who usually spoke her mind even if it hurt someone’s feelings, was walking beside Katarina looking intently at the ground as if in deep thought.  
“Why is everyone so quiet huh?” Katarina asked as Bull looked over at her with his one good eye.  
“Because you’re making us walk, Boss.” He said jokingly as he smiled down at her.  
“Oh come on, this is a leisurely stroll. At least you’re not fighting demons.”  
“Shite, why you gotta bring demons up? Scary fuckin things.” Sera finally spoke up as she looked over at Katarina.  
“There’s my Sera.” Katarina replied as she continued to walk with her friends who were now bickering at eachother.

* * *

 

A few hours later they arrived back at Skyhold, having spent most of their morning out by the river, they were now hungry. Especially Sera who hadn’t stopped whining about it. They had decided to go to the tavern, Bull had insisted, so they could have lunch in there. Once they arrived they saw Blackwall sitting alone at one of the tables by the entrance, a drink in front of him.   
“Rainier. Just the person I wanted to see.” Katarina said as she sat closely next to him.  
“Katarina…” Blackwall replied as she laid her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his left arm around her as he held her tightly. “I’m glad to see you..happy.”  
“Of course, I am. You make me happy, silly.”  
“That’s the kind of love I like to see.” She heard Varric say as he came towards them and took a seat next to Sera.  
“Are we going to play Wicked Grace tonight?” Katarina said as Bull came back with alcohol for all of them.  
Blackwall looked over at Varric silently as Varric looked back at Katarina.  
“Not tonight, kid. Maybe tomorrow night.”  
“But you’ve been saying that for like a month.” She said as she pouted at him.

When they finished lunch, Blackwall and Katarina went for a walk through Skyhold as he held her hand tightly.  
She had asked him if something was wrong, since he wore such a solemn look on his face, to which he had replied that everything was fine. She continued to look at him as he looked straightforward without another word. They walked towards the mounts, as he knew that she liked interacting with them as well as feed them.  
“Isn’t he just so cute?” Katarina asked as she held up a baby nug.  
She saw a sudden glimmer in his eyes as he chuckled and picked another nug up, “I believe this one is cuter.”  
“Aw, I thought you would say I was cuter.” She said as she looked over at Blackwall with puppy eyes.  
He walked over to Katarina, nug still in his arms, “You are beautiful, not cute.”  
“You know how to woo a lady.” She teased as she set down the nug so it could run around. “You look cute with that nug in your arms. Very fatherly.”  
Blackwall blushed slightly as he set the nug down carefully and pulled her in an embrace. “I love you, you know that right?”  
“Yes, I know, and I love you too.” Katarina said to him as she looked deep into his eyes. Looking into his eyes made her feel like she was forgetting something. His eyes reminded her of longing..of dread.  
She closed the space between them as she felt her lips press against his. She felt the coarse hair of his beard brush against her chin. Felt the warmth that his breath emanated. She ran her fingers through his long, soft hair. Felt his grip tighten on her waist as he ended the kiss with small pecks on her lips. He hugged her then, pulling her close to his body. She felt his heart pound against his chest as she hugged him back.  
“You are everything I need and more.”  
“You sound like you’re leaving.” Katarina chuckled as she looked up at him.  
Blackwall smiled, pale blue eyes staring at her. “I wanted to give you something before the day was over.”  
He let her go then, grabbing her hand in his as he began to led her farther into the stable. He picked something up from the table as he opened her hand in his. He placed a wooden figurine on the palm of her hand. She looked down and saw that it was her surrounded by trees.  
“The third night, when we were in the Emerald Graves.. I saw you walking amongst the trees, deep in thought. That was the night I started to develop these feelings I feel so strongly. You looked so serene as the moon’s light shone over you. It made your skin look a lovely shade.” Blackwall smiled as he recalled the memory he held so close to his heart. “After that night, I thought to myself, “What are you thinking? It can’t happen.” And now, I guess I was wrong. But this is what I started to make while I was gone, it kept me sane. I couldn’t forget you. I regretted leaving you behind.”  
“But now you’re here. And we’re together. That’s all that matters.” Katarina said as she took the figurine in both hands and placed it on her chest, close to her heart. “Thank you for this. It’s unlike anything anyone has ever given me.”  
She placed a quick kiss on his cheek and then his lips.

“I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” She said as she smiled at him.  
“Yes.” He said as he watched her walk away as she glanced over her shoulder and smiled at him.  
  
Katarina placed the figurine on her desk as she hurriedly rushed over to her nightstand and took the leather bound journal that was lodged in between the wall and the wooden nightstand. She undead the leather lace around the journal as it fell open to a specific page. She looked down at it as she held the small piece of cloth in between her fingers and began to read the entry in her journal.

“Today we came back from yet more Inquisition business. Sera kept playing pranks on Vivienne the whole way back, I feel like she might not want to come on any more journeys with us due to Sera’s behavior. But I could be wrong. Big news, Dorian finally admitted that he loves Bull. I knew it all along. What more can I say? I can sense the love in the air.   
I also cut this piece of cloth from one of Sola’s shirts when he wasn’t looking. I’m sure he won’t notice, right?”  
  
Katarina stared at the cloth confused. _Solas?_ She quickly placed the small piece of cloth back inside her journal as she began to read her journal from the beginning.  
  
As soon as she finished, she quietly placed her journal back in place and sat there, in thought. Suddenly, memories started to flash in front of her. Her breathing picked up as her eyes got watery. She began to remember his face. She remembered the way he had stared at her when she had first shown interest in the Fade. She remembered the way his gaze made her feel as if she would burst into million of butterflies. She remembered the way his slender fingers felt as he grazed her cheek before a kiss. She remembered his scent, musty like old books, yet fresh like the grass after rainfall. She remembered the way his body moved in sync with hers as his soft lips pressed against hers. She remembered when he had first held her hand, late one night as they made their way towards camp after walking through the trees. She remembered the hurt. She remembered the longed nights she yearned for his touch. She remembered the times he had broken her heart. How she had overcome it, only for him to break it again. She remembered his refusal to let her join him in his endeavors. She remembered how he had left her. She remembered how he had called her his vhenan only to let her to fend for herself. She remembered the pain as he turned his back on her. She remembered the nights she had spent crying silently as her heart ached for something that would never come. She remembered how she had chosen to forget, so she could at least breathe through another day. She remembered how broken and alone she felt.  
  
Katarina laid on the floor as she began to sob uncontrollably. Her emotions were getting the best of her. She heard the door to her bedroom open and footsteps quickly walking up the stairs. She looked out her open balcony as the sun was setting, leaving the sky a shade of purple, orange and dark blue. She felt her heart beat in her ears as her vision began to blur from the tears.  
  
“Why does this keep happening?” She heard Cassandra ask as she felt someone crouch next to her.  
“Aching..terrible pain..remember his name…nightmare..sick…loathing.” Cole said.  
Cullen, who had been collected during the first few times, now felt like he was going to explode. “We should find that damn elf! Why would he just leave her like this?! I will kill him if we ever cross paths.” He left then, after his sudden outburst, leaving Josephine, Cassandra and Leliana shocked.  
“He cares for her..loves her.” Cole said as he stroked Katarina’s hair who was now in a fetal position.

 

* * *

 

Blackwall looked back at Skyhold as the gates closed behind him. He was not sure what leaving would accomplish, he only knew he had to endure for his sake. He could not stay and see what happened to Katarina after the day came to a close. It had hurt him the first few nights he had seen her on the floor sobbing for a man who did not appreciate her. _Someone who had left her._ Wasn’t he being a hypocrite right now as well? He shook the thought from his mind, _No, she doesn’t love me as much as she loves him. Her heartache for me will heal. She will forget about me. She will never forget about him. Her first love. The only love that could leave her in such a state._ Blackwall knew he was doing this for his sake, he could not have the life he wanted with her, as much as it pained him. He turned his back on Skyhold…on Katarina, as he ventured forth into the unforgiving world that lay before him knowing too well he would never forget her. The memory he held so dear. His eyes began to water as he clenched his jaw. _It will be alright_ , he lied to himself.

* * *

 

Cullen stormed into his quarters angrily as slammed his fist onto his bookshelf. He gritted his teeth together as he turned around and flung his desk across the enclosed space, as the things on the desk scattered across the room. He punched now as he felt sharp pain shoot up from his hand toward his arm. He punched it again and again as his knuckles began to turn a bright red as the blood began to drip down his hand onto the floor. He pictured the elf as he punched at the wall. He breathed heavily now as he felt sadness wash over him, he placed his arm on the stone wall as he placed his head on his forearm. He looked down as the blood stained the papers below him. He pictured Katarina when she had first played chess with him. How he had begun to see something else in her. How he no longer viewed her as the Inquisitor. How he no longer could look her in the eyes without feeling the blood rush to his cheeks. He remembered how he began to look forward to having more conversations with her. How he had kept quiet as the elf made her cry at night. How he had heard her crying in her tent when she thought no one was listening. How he wanted to express his feelings to her but couldn’t. How he watched her from afar as she followed the elf so blindly. How he ached whenever the elf would parade her in front of him. How he ached to see her like this now. How he wished to keep her in his arms and shield her from the cruel world. Shield her from more pain. Shield her from the heartache. _I could be your shield if you would only let me_ , he thought.  
He lifted his head and walked toward the door as he opened it. He stepped out into the cold night air. He peered over the wall out over the gates. Placing his bloodied hand on the cold, stone he saw him. He saw the Warden walking away. He couldn’t help but feel both happiness and sadness. Maybe now he could be with her. But he knew she’d be even more devastated. He knew she would lock herself in her room, just as she had done when Solas had left. He knew she wouldn’t trust anyone else again for fear of them leaving. He knew he couldn’t be with her. He knew he never had a chance. He knew.  
He understood her then. Understood her heartache for something she could never have. Understood how she would long for something that would never come. Understood all her tears. He understood.  
Cullen had not noticed the tears running down his face as he continued to look at the Warden who was beginning to look like nothing more than a speck. He clenched his jaw as he turned around and slid to the ground, his back against the stone wall. He screamed out as he felt his throat tighten in response. He cried quietly as he looked up at the starry sky. One arm on his bent knee. 

_Why won’t you be my shield?_

 

* * *

  
“I can help, I can make you forget…The tears..because of him..hurt..feel like drowning” Cole said in a quiet voice as he crouched next to Katarina.  
Another anxiety attack had taken ahold of her as she now lay sprawled on the floor in a fetal position. A month had passed since she had last seen her vhenan, he had left her behind again even when she had suggested she go with him. Whatever plans he had, she understood, but all she wanted was to be with him.  
She had been having regular anxiety attacks after the first night back in Skyhold.  
“Pain..slowly eating at the core..holding on…alone in the darkness..take me.” Cole whispered almost inaudibly. 

“Do it, Cole.” She whispered through sharp inhales. “Help me forget.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the angst. It'll be okay. <3  
> Had to write this immediately after I had sad music on repeat.
> 
> Tell me if you liked it! And if you want more stories/ have any ideas. :)  
> 


End file.
